The Birthday That Never Was
by Boofeh
Summary: Birthday? What's that? Roxas/Axel.


_Disclaimer: It's pretty much a given that I don't own Kingdom Hearts. This is FANfiction(dot)net, after all. People who have genuine disclaimers are silly, but shh. You didn't hear that from me._

_-x-_

"It's my birthday today."

"Birthday?"

Roxas glances over at me, his big blue eyes wide. Whenever Roxas is confused, which is fifty times a day on a good day, his eyes widen in that adorable little way of his. He reminds me of a lamb sometimes. But when he fights he's more like a lion cub. Fierce enough, but unable to do any real damage yet. But when he grows up those Heartless are in for it, I'd bet.

I pause to lick at my sea-salt ice cream, tasting the saltiness and the overbearingly sweet aftertaste. Because I don't have a heart I can't love them, but I don't think I could live without them. Addicted as a human, addicted as a Nobody. I recently got Roxas hooked on them too, so it's great to have someone to rot my teeth with. Only problem is that they make you really thirsty afterwards. I drink buckets of water daily.

Birthdays. How to explain this one?

"When someone becomes another year older. You get a birthday once a year on the same date you were born." I explain.

Roxas pauses. "How do you know what date you were born?"

I smile. Poor kid has no idea who his Somebody is, or where he came from. Must be rough.

"Your parents tell you."

Roxas' wide eyes narrow slightly. "Oh." He turns away and forcefully bites a chunk from his ice cream.

We sit in silence for a while. I've almost finished my ice cream when Roxas speaks again.

"What do you do on a birthday?"

I shrug. "Celebrate. Getting older sucks but birthdays are there for celebrating your life. Mostly you eat cake and people give you presents."

Roxas' cheeks go slightly pink as his gaze hits the floor. "I don't have a present for you. I'm sorry." For a second I think he's about to cry. Poor kid always gets so worked up when he lets people down.

I laugh airily. "No worries, Roxas. You didn't know about birthdays."

Roxas strokes his chin in the way he always does when he's thinking. "Do... do you think I could have a birthday?" He asks, tentatively.

I smile and shrug. "I don't see why not. Do you have any idea when you were born?"

Roxas smiles back. "I was born eighty five days ago."

I laugh. Birthdays are counted by the birth of a Somebody, not a Nobody. Nobodies shouldn't even exist, so we shouldn't celebrate our lives. I go to tell Roxas, but his face stops me. He's grinning down at his ice cream stick, looking so happy with himself. His eyes have that glow that only humans get when they're happy. I don't think I've ever seen him, or any other Nobody smile like that.

I munch on my last bit of ice cream as I smile. No way can I ruin his good mood. "Well then, you have two hundred and eighty days to go until you turn one year old."

Roxas nods. "I'll be counting."

Standing up, I tuck my ice cream stick into my pocket so I can put it in a bin at the castle. Littering is bad. I offer Roxas my hand to help him up, which he takes gratefully. Even though we've been coming here for months I don't quite trust his balance near the edge of the station tower. If he fell and died I would get into a heap of trouble. And Roxas would never have a birthday.

"Come on, let's go see if Luxord is hosting that poker competition tonight. I'll have to teach you to play like a pro." I say to Roxas as I summon a portal.

-x-

I watch Sora talk with his two brainless sidekicks from a distance. I'm standing in the shadows about eighty feet away, hiding under my hood. But it's pretty pointless; the idiot wouldn't notice me if I ran up behind him and kicked his legs out from underneath him.

Brainless sidekick #1 says something that Sora finds amusing – he throws his head back and laughs loudly. The sound of joy only makes me feel even emptier than before. Sora's laugh is identical to Roxas', only filled with life and happiness. The thought agitates me. I want to hurt Sora, to make him bleed. To make him feel sad and alone. To make his existence as miserable and pointless as mine. How dare he be so happy when Roxas could never be? It's his fault Roxas is gone, and he should be punished for it.

I'm about a second away from drawing my chakrams and attacking when Sora and the two brainless sidekicks turn and walk in the opposite direction. I sigh and fold my arms. No. I need to protect Sora – make sure he continues to wield the Keyblade, slaughter Heartless and release hearts, thus completing Kingdom Hearts. Or at least, those are my orders.

I have to admit, lately I've been wondering what would happen if Sora lost his heart again. What if he became a Heartless? Does that mean Roxas would be reborn? I like the idea of seeing him again. Ever since he combined with Sora I've felt even more empty and alone than I ever have. I miss Roxas. There's no-one to talk to, no-one to joke with. Nobody to pretend to be happy with. These days I eat my ice cream alone. I know that I can't technically feel anything, but the emptiness inside me is even more noticeable than before. It's getting harder to hide it, harder to pretend I have emotions.

What if I made Sora lose his heart to darkness? What if I beat him senseless and left his unconscious body for the Heartless to ravage? What if I slaughtered his brainless sidekicks in front of him? What if I slit his beloved Riku's throat and burned his precious Kairi alive? What if I summoned an army of Heartless to destroy his adored worlds? Would this boy's pain be enough to fill the empty space inside me?

Only if it brought Roxas back. I would do anything to bring Roxas back, orders be damned. It wouldn't make me whole again, but if he were to smile at me again it wouldn't be so hard to pretend to be happy. I might even be able to convince myself that I don't have to pretend, like how I convinced myself before.

I summon a portal to Twilight Town. The lady at the ice cream shop sees me approaching and reaches for a sea-salt ice cream. I've been coming to this shop every day for the last few years, so she knows my face and my order by heart now. It's handy most days, as I don't have to talk to her to tell her what I want, but today I don't take the ice cream. There's something else I want.

Sitting on the station tower, I pick up the tiny plastic fork and spear a bit of chocolate cake. Sighing, I pop it into my mouth, cringing. Shame they don't make sea salt cake. This is too sweet for me. Setting the cake down on the empty brick beside me, I glance out at the dull sunset. I suppose it's beautiful, but these days I don't seem to notice as much. Nothing seems good like it used to be.

In this very second, I know one thing for sure. If I ever had a heart, it's well and truly gone now.

"Happy birthday, Roxas..."

-x-

**Author's Dusty Corner:**** If I think of something witty to put here I'll let you all know.**


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